The Depth of Darkness Remake
by Mahimomo
Summary: Starscream is a physically and mentally abused mech. Let's just leave it at that.
1. Prologue

This is the LAST time I'm going to rewrite the story. I swears! I didn't like the other two stories. I have murdered one and divorced the other. :) And now I have Betas! So I won't have an excuse to not finish the story. Weeeee. Soooo y'all just migrate over here...

Betas: Akirisan X and Francesca Zatnik

I don't own anything. Characters belong to Hasbro.

* * *

The orbital cycle was in the middle its daily manifestation. Deep within the pressure of the liquid life source of the planet, and remote from any Autobots or curious flesh creatures, lay the beaten shell of a grand warship. The _Nemesis_. Tarnished by years underwater, its outer walls infested by tiny creatures that taunted the ship's once pernicious reputation, this effete framework was their home; the home of the Decepticons -whose reputation was once tantamount to that of their ship. Once, they had ruled Cybertron, conquered every battle. Since arriving on this planet, Earth, everything had become dilapidated.

The _Nemesis_ was filled with the rattling footsteps and ongoing rumbles from its crew. First shifts were ending and those on second shift were heading off; this was the noisiest the ship ever got. Nothing else got this exciting. Not even preparation for battle against the Autobots. With their ongoing losing streak, no Decepticon was about to get excited about having their afts handed to them.

Starscream stood by the viewing glass and stared into darkened water. One of the _only_ kicks in having the title of Commander was having private quarters. Here, the Seeker could consume himself with as much darkness as he desired. As if light was harmful; as if it would burn his armor with its bright expression. Starscream remained still, basking in peaceful nothingness, lost in his thoughts; thoughts that only left him feeling lonelier.

The Seeker held himself as he recalled painful memories. His paranoid mind forced him to distance himself from everyone; to live a solitary life that was exclusively narcissistic. He once believed that the only thing that mattered in life was him. Comrades, friends, trinemates; they were insignificant. Unnecessary. No one could be trusted. Once you placed everything in them, they leave you with nothing.

But now he resented it. He felt alone, empty, and unwanted even by himself.

-0000-

Starscream had been summoned to the control room. His _glorious_ leader had come up with a plan that was _sure _to work.

_I joined because I believe in the Decepticons' ideals. I still do. But Megatron refuses to see those values anymore. He is only interested in his own agenda and not in the Decepticon cause. He does not care for his followers; we are all dispensable, nothing. This war has gone on for far too long. If I was leader, Cybertron would already be under Decepticon control. Megatron is progressing too slowly. No, he isn't progressing at all. We are losing more battles than we are winning. Back on Cybertron, we used to easily outwit and outnumber the Autobots. But now all we do is lose because of his pathetic plans. We are losing this war because we are run by a defective leader._

Starscream continued his way to the control room. His processor had begun to ache. This had been occurring a lot lately; sudden bursts of pain in the most random of times, places. The Seeker never bothered to speak with Hook about his problem. This defective state would pass. Eventually.

His steps felt out of place with every progression along each passing corridor of the Nemesis. _He_ felt out of place. Even as other Decepticons passed his frame, all he heard was the echo of his pedes bouncing off the bulwark. No soldier turned to look at him, salute him, or acknowledged his existence. Starscream was nothing in their optics. He was a coward, an incompetent fool, and a traitor. Everything a Decepticon shouldn't be. He was an embarrassment in the ranks. Starscream knew he shouldn't let the neglect bother him, but the back of his processor constantly nagged him that this wasn't how it is supposed to be. And he was right. _He_ was their Second in Command. _He_ was supposed to have their respect and loyalty, they were supposed to fear him, not reject him. Not make him feel as though he was as worthless as an empty carcass of an Autobot.

_Even if I yell or threaten them, they refuse to listen. They have learned to avoid my words, my screams…my pleas._

Starscream continued his empty walk towards the Control Room. For a Seeker who only craved attention, being ignored was… incomprehensible; strange. He turned a corner and found his trine walking towards him. Starscream discontinued his peregrination – part of him wishing they would look at him, talk to him. He stood in place, feeling as though weights were locked onto his legs, and continued to stare at his trine as they approached. Starscream didn't give them a smirk, smile, or frown. His face was, for the most part, unwritten. But his optics showed a bit of sadness. If anyone cared to notice.

Thundercracker walked passed his trine leader without a glance or any kind of indication that he acknowledged his presence. Skywarp, following closely behind his trinemate, gave Starscream a disgusted look, then quickly looked away.

Starscream remained standing. Even long after his trine left. He knew they despised him, but he didn't blame them.

-0000-

Though he bore the tiles of Second in Command and Air Commander, he was in no 'command' of anyone. He was supposed to have control and power approximately equal to that of Megatron, but instead he was treated as low as a foot soldier.

_He never listens to any of my ideas to defeat the Autobots and gather energy from the humans. He tells me that I am worthless. I was the top student at both the Science and Military Academy. So when you call me useless, worthless, are you just trying to make yourself feel better? You, who was nothing but an energon miner before the war._

Megatron sat like a king on his thrown while the Seeker stood to one side, towards the back. The bright frame of the Air Commander was engulfed by the shadow the thrown produced; engulfed by the darkness he was forced to live with. Starscream had his chances to gain respect, _fear,_ but he lost every Decepticon's loyalty through his narcissistic ways. But for him, none of that mattered, at the time. Now, everything seemed to sting like a dagger to the spark. Cold stare, no stares, everything caused pain. Everything hurt. Though he would never admit it, what made his spark twist in depression was the hate his trinemates had towards him.

Megatron continued to mouth his plan and highlight positions on the giant projector screen displayed before them using a stylus, but they were nothing but empty words and gestures. Starscream hadn't paid attention; c_ouldn't_ have paid attention. His thoughts required his undivided intention, not his leader's words. Not this plan that was vital for obtaining energon, their life source.

"Your plan will end the same- with us retreating," spoke the Seeker. He knew the plan would fail. They all did. No need to listen to false hope.

"My plans only fail because _you_ fail me, Starscream."

_There you go again, blaming everything on me. Must you despise me so much? Do you gain satisfaction by making me feel worthless? I have grown tired of this game. You are not fit to lead. _I_ will offline you one day. _I _will finally become Leader and receive the respect that I deserve._

-0000-

Starscream retreated to his quarters after a minor beating from Megatron. The pain inflicted didn't hurt as much as it used to; vorns of abuse have made him immune... To physical pain, anyways. His processor still ached, worse than before.

"I served under that tyrant for _millions_ of vorns. Obeyed his every command without question, but he never listened to me. He never considered _my_ thoughts, _my_ warnings, even when I became Second in Command. Did he honestly believe that I would simply do as he ordered _forever_? I am not some mindless drone! Megatron, you lost your little obedient soldier, and now that soldier will destroy you," said the Seeker. Vorns of neglect had felt him to only converse with himself. At first he only heard one voice, his inner voice, but then he started hearing more and more voices. Some not even his own.

_But by disobeying Megatron, you disobeyed the Decepticons. The cause. You are alone._

"Unspeakable loneliness was merely self-satisfaction."

_You resent it now. Crave for attention. You are like a cowardly little turbo-dog constantly barking in order to protect your little pride. You only cared about yourself. Assumed everyone else around you was deficient. Worthless. But now _you_ are. And even to this orbital cycle, you continue to bark; continue to hold on to what little pride you have left._

"I understand the condition that I am in."

_You understand your condition, yet go against it._

"I just… want others to accept my existence. To realize my existence."

_But you will forever be alone; trapped in the shadows without words. You run to find the answers to your problems. Even though you already know there are no answers. You are worthless, never to become leader, doomed to remain nothing._

"Silence!" He screamed and clutched his head to suppress the voices. But they were still there. Still talking.

"I am going insane," whimpered the Seeker.

_You already are._

Starscream retreated to his berth to recharge, all while trying to ignore the voices that plagued his processor. They aggravated him, drove him mad at times. They were negative entities, designed to make him feel crestfallen.

His processor felt like it was about to explode and his chassis felt ineffectual. He had forgotten to refuel again; his body had been giving off the signs of energon depletion, but Starscream hadn't noticed. And if he did, wouldn't have cared.

He turned to one side, mindful of his wings, and easily fell into recharge.


	2. Deficient

Thank you Akirisan X and Francesca Zatnik! I need all the motivation and betaing I can get! College is eating my butt *frowny face*

klik: second, breem: minute, joor: hour, orn: day, decaorn: week, lunar cycle: month, vorn: year

I own nothing.

* * *

Starscream walked down the halls of the lower level. No other Decepticon was down here, but still it was not quiet; the voices in his central processor had not restrained their vexatious chatter. He needed to find some way to calm himself, calm the voices. He needed to go out for a flight; needed to escape his mind, and this place. Even if was only for a bit.

_You are going to try to run away again. _

"Just fly. Then come back."

_What you want is to never come back. _

"Useless. I am unable to escape."

He entered the elevator and keyed for the upper hangar. Starscream leaned against one wall and attempted to relax as the elevator slowly rose through the other levels of the ship.

The ride had finally come to a stop and the door quickly slid open. The bright light from the outside entered and draped over the Seeker. He remained leaning for a few more astroseconds before he reluctantly pushed himself away and exited the elevator.

He didn't even take two steps before the distinguishable purple flash of Skywarp's warp generator appeared in front of him.

"Hey, Screamer." Skywarp stepped forward and held out a datapad. "Megatron wants you to survey this area for any humans, once you do that you'll help the Constructicons build a new space bridge." His tone was neutral; it sounded strange coming from his vocal box. The cheeky and cheerful tone was no longer presented for Starscream. He missed it.

Starscream hated this, hated that his trinemate would go so far to isolate him. To make him feel this way – depressed. And now Skywarp was handing him his mission; a mission meant for a _scout_.

_Megatron didn't even bother ordering you directly for the mission. He wants you to perform a scout's job by surveying the area. Then he wants you to help the Constructions. They require no help. Megatron just does not wish to deal with you. He knows you are worthless, knows that you can only perform low level missions. _

"You got all that Screamer?" Skywarp gave snide smirk. He knew what Starscream was thinking. Even with the title of Second in Command, his rank among the rest of the Decepticons was the lowest it could be. Skywarp must have purposely agreed to hand the mission over to Starscream if only to see the expression on his faceplates, or just personally make Starscream feel more worthless.

_He disrespects you. Just like the rest of them. Just like Megatron. _

Starscream could no longer restrain the anger he felt. As quickly as a spark beat, he grabbed Skywarp's throat and shoved him against a wall. He then pointed his null ray so the tip touched the trapped Seeker's helm. The datapad dropped; the sound echoed through the hangar. Skywarp stared into his trineleader's enraged optics and for the first time, he was scarred of him.

"I am your trine leader. Your Air Commander. Your Second in Command. You will treat me with respect and address me formally." He tightened his grip. Skywarp grabbed his wrists but didn't do much else. He was terrified that if he was to pull the servo then he'll get shot. "I have had enough of your insubordination and these pesky nicknames you keep calling me." The noise of a charged weapon engulfed Skywarp's audios. Starscream smiled, baring teeth, as his optics grew bigger and glowed brighter.

_Deactivate him. Deactivate them all. _

"Starscream, let him go."

Starscream turned his head to see Thundercracker. His weapons had been charged, but remained at his sides.

Starscream came out of his maddening daze, lowered his weapon, and released his grip on Skywarp's neck. Without a word, he turned and purposely stepped on the datapad before he left.

Skywarp rubbed his neck and looked at Thundercracker. He was still shocked and confused by what had just occurred. "Umm tha-"

"Idiot, you could have just teleported," yelled Thundercracker.

"Yeah." The dark Seeker frowned before he smiled. "But I didn't."

Thundercracker was irritated; then again, Skywarp always irritated him. Had Thundercracker not shown up, then he would have lost a trinemate. "Go back to your sh-"

"Thanks." It was his turn to interrupt. Skywarp was still flashing that smile. He wanted to show his gratitude but didn't know how, or if his trinemate would have even accepted it. Thundercracker was just protecting his trine, or, was he just protecting his friend? Must have been friend, because this trine was dead; they had lost their trineleader long ago. Skywarp waved slightly before he teleported to the communications room to continue his shift.

-0000-

Starscream walked down the halls. He had no particular destination; he just needed to review his actions. He had been so close to deactivating Skywarp, ending the spark of one of his tormentors, even though it was he who made him that way. He _wanted_ to end his life, _needed_ to. But what would that have brought? Would he have regretted it? Deactivating his _trinemate_? No, that word seemed wrong. Trinemates are supposed to look after each other, like a bonded family unit. This trine was filled with nothing but hate.

_And you are to blame for that._

Starscream continued to walk while lost in his thoughts. Then he noticed that Megatron headed towards him. He stopped his stride, drowned by the large shadow, and looked up at his lord.

"Have you looked over your mission details?" Megatron's voice was powerful. It always sent chills through the Seeker's frame.

"No." The datapad was broken.

"Soundwave informed me that you should have received it a few breems ago."

"Well, I did not." He tried to get pass Megatron but a hand was firmly placed on his shoulder and he was forced back to stand in front of his lord.

"You lie. I know that tone."

He was becoming impatient, angry. And if he was angry, Starscream received punishment. "You are correct. I was about to leave to survey the designated area."

Starscream was shoved roughly against the wall. The vibration of the impact tingled through his frame.

"You lie again."

Starscream looked into his leader's crimson optics. Megatron was furious; the Seeker was in danger.

_Run! _Thevoices screamed in his processor. He needed to escape.

In a panic, he kicked Megatron on his abdomen and ignited his thruster. The burning sensation was enough for Megatron to release his grip and back away, creating some distance between he and his Second. Starscream made a stance like he was about to dash.

_If you run, you'll receive a worse punishment. _

He stayed, frozen in fear. Fear of a worst punishment. He looked at his master before bowing his head. "Forgive me, my lord. I-I was...frightened." The last word was but a whisper.

He kept his head down and saw the approaching shadow on the floor. He braced for both a physical and verbal assault. But nothing came.

"Do I frighten you, Starscream?" Megatron sounded amused, not angry. This only frightened the Seeker even more.

He had to suck up, had to make his leader feel high and powerful so he could hopefully escape without a beating of some sort. He had to hide his pride, or what was left of it. "Yes, my lord."

"You burned my armor, Seeker. How will you make it up to me?" It was not a question but a statement. He knows Starscream will make it up, knows he HAS to make it up. And already knows how. Megatron began stroking the edge of a wing.

Starscream hated pleasing his lord, but it always ended the same way: a severe beating and rough interface. "Anything you want, my lord."

"A wing..."

"Wha-" before he could finish one of Megatron's hands pushed down hard on the Seeker's shoulder while the other took hold of a wing and _pulled. _Starscream screeched in pain as his wing was torn from his body. He fell to his knees, shivering in agony. Energon poured from the large opening and ripped wires sent sparks flying. His mouth was open in a now silent scream.

"Yes. This will do nicely. Don't anger me again, or I'll be back for the other." He walked away with the wing in hand. His footsteps echoed, quieter and quieter. Once Starscream could no longer hear the footsteps, only then did he begin to cry.

-0000-

Starscream was beginning to feel anxious. It had been a decaorn since he lost his wing. Hook was forbidden by Megatron to replace the missing appendage. So for the time being, the Seeker was stuck in the base, with nothing to do. He missed the outside- missed flying. Of course, he _could_ fly with just one wing, but maneuvering will be almost impossible, even flying straight will be extremely difficult - and being off balanced in the sky made him vulnerable to any human or Autobot attack. Even walking made him feel lopsided. He hated this. He needed to go outside. Here, he was in constant fear of angering Megatron and losing his other wing. Or coming across his trine; he couldn't face them right now.

He walked towards his private quarters when he suddenly felt weak and dizzy. His legs felt like they would give out, which they did. Everything went black after that.

Starscream's optics onlined to the blinding lights of the medical room; he dimmed his optics to better fit the lights' setting. His body ached all over; he must have hit the floor hard. He still felt dizzy, so much so that the room felt like it was tilting at an angle; he thought he could fall off the med berth.

"You idiot! You fell into stasis because your energon tank is only twenty percent full! Did you shut off your warning system?" Hook yelled, as he approached Starscream from his left.

_Stasis? Energon?_ "Wing was leaki-" he whispered.

"Leaking my afterburners! Your wound stopped leaking orns ago! Plus, you receive three rations a orn! There shouldn't be a reason why your tank is this empty!"

"I do not..."

"Wait, you haven't been taking your energon?"

Starscream remained silent. He grabbed on to the sides of the berth in case he fell off; the room was still spinning. If he had enough energon in his tank, he would have purged.

"You idiot! Do you want to starve?"

Hook's voice started losing more and more volume. He knew Hook was still talking, but he just couldn't make out what he was saying. Starscream's vision began to blur, all he could see was fuzzy white from the med lights spinning in his vision. He offlined his optics and drifted back to recharge.

-0000-

Starscream walked back to his private quarters- without falling into stasis this time. Hook had filled Starscream's tank, not to full capacity but just enough to not suddenly fall into stasis, and handed him a cube of high grade. Once he was in quarters, he looked down at the cube with disgust. He wasn't in need of fuel, plus, just looking down at the cube made him want to purge. He placed the cube on his desk, next to the corner filled with a pile of glowing cubes long since abandoned, and retreated to his berth.


	3. Hysteria

My mind and schedule were lost somewhere. I should have updated forever ago. Procrastination...damn it.

Betas: Akirisan X and Francesca Zatnik :D

klik: second, breem: minute, joor: hour, orn: day, decaorn: week, lunar cycle: month, vorn: year

I own nothing.

* * *

Flyers never understood grounders. How can one be limited to just land, instead of the open sky? Wings made you feel complete and free. Nothing had ever come close to the feeling of spread wings catching a breeze to an endless sky where you soared for eternity.

Starscream longed for that; wanted it badly and now. He needed to touch the sky, to look at the sky, so as to not feel trapped. But he was a prisoner within the underwater base and a missing wing was unsuitable for flight. He couldn't even look at the clear blue atmosphere. Water was a poor substitute for sky; you could fly in both, but the ocean was too crowded and heavy.

But even if he had both wings he would still be unable to leave base. This was his prison; he was Megatron's favorite prisoner, his only prisoner. At least with both wings, he could pretend to be free.

Whatever pride the Seeker had was gone. His constant whining, pleading, and begging for his wing back had come to the point of being simply pathetic. His worthless attempts were at first displayed in private with just him and Megatron, but then it has become an open display for all to see just how desperate the Seeker was.

Grounders had thought less of him because of his obnoxious pleas for an appendage. They knew he would get it back, as he always had. This wasn't the first time he'd lost a wing. But Starscream did not seem to understand that, and was unwilling to wait; such an impatient and stubborn Seeker. Flyers knew the pain and would often feel as though they lost of a bit of their identity from missing a wing, but this was Starscream. Even the other flyers didn't feel any sympathy towards him.

Starscream's attempts were all for nothing and brought more harm than good. Nothing could sway Megatron from his word. The Seeker wouldn't receive a wing anytime soon; what he did receive were beatings and being confined to his quarters.

-0000-

Two lunar cycles had passed since then, but the open sky remained closed off, anything _beyond_ his quarters remained closed off.

Starscream had been curled up in fetal position on his berth as he waited for punishment from Megatron. During his confinement, Starscream had been given tasks to complete- reviewing schematics, and creating blueprints for weapons -but he had refused to do either. More accurately, he couldn't do them because lack of energon had made him weak and unable to function correctly. Megatron said that he would see to it personally that Starscream received some discipline for his insubordination.

_Why would Megatron keep me functioning? I am useless to him. I cannot even look over schematics. I cannot do anything right. _Starscream thought to himself as he clung tight to his helm._ Thundercracker has taken over the missions. He should be Air Commander. He is better than I. _

Starscream's processor ached with great pain. His vision had become blurred and fragmented while his thoughts were scrambled. He was slowly becoming more and more irrational from being trapped indoors for a long period of time and from lack of sufficient energon consumption.

A faint shiver swept up the Seeker's frame as he pushed himself up from the berth and looked towards his locked door; he sensed Megatron approaching.

_Megatron will come and hurt you again. _

A shy glow of neon pink caught his attention; he turned and stared in horror. _The energon cubes! _The accumulation of neglected energon cube lay next to a far corner. _If Megatron sees those he _will_ offline me for sure! He will think I stole them!_

In a panic, Starscream removed himself from his berth and stood in front of the pile. His spark had continued to skip beats from trepidation. He had to hide the cubes, had to get rid of them, and fast before Megatron arrived.

But time was running out and Megatron's presence had become more and more uncomfortable as he approached.

If Starscream had been operating correctly, he would have come up with a plan to hide the cubes. But the Seeker hadn't that option; he placed a small bomb on top the stack of energon cubes and ran out just before it detonated. The explosion was tremendous and rattled the entire floor. The steel walls managed to keep the explosion relatively inside the Seeker's quarters, which were completely destroyed.

Starscream had lost his balance, due to the blast's shock wave, and fallen a few feet from his quarters. This was the first time he had been out of his -now destroyed- quarters, but he couldn't relish the moment. Smoke crept out from cracks on the wall and bulged door. A dark silhouette was seen through the fog, each step it took rattled signals of fear from Starscream.

"What happened here?" Roared Megatron as he broke through the smoke and eyed the damage done to the outside of the quarters.

The Seeker's processor froze, all he could do was mouth a silent "I do not know."

Megatron came closer, so close that Starscream had felt the enraged heat that emanated from his frame. "Do _not_ lie to me, Seeker. _What_ happened?"

"I-I do not know, sir!" nervously replied Starscream. He turned his gaze away from Megatron's furious stare to look upon the damaged walls. He remained quiet after that, although his frame shook violently as he tried to brace for impact.

-0000-

The brig was cold, it always was. It felt like a cage with electric bars. There was nothing that flyers hate more than being stuck in a cage: you couldn't fly, it's so cramped that you could barely walk, you are barely fed, and it was always dark. It was the way Starscream had been living, but being trapped in the brig made him feel more like a captive, a slave for Megatron.

He had known he was going insane. It was obvious. The rest of the Decepticons had seen it too. Rational and irrational thoughts were mixed with his growing insanity. But insanity was better than deactivation. He didn't want to offline, not yet; even though his rational side believed it the best was to end this nightmare.

He felt as though he were in an asylum. Starscream's optics darted from one direction to another in trying to find some way to escape the cell. He screamed pleas to allow him freedom and to stop the voices in his head; the voices were all talking at once, talking over each other. Starscream could not understand what they were saying, and he didn't want to understand.

Suddenly the voices went silent.

"Becoming increasingly more and more insane, I see."

Starscream turned to the source of the voice and found Megatron standing on the other side of the electrical fence.

"Soundwave informs me that it was an energon explosion. Why were you hoarding energon cubes in your quarters? _What_ were you doing? "

Starscream remained quiet; he couldn't tell Megatron the truth.

"Tell me now, Seeker, or I will keep you locked up forever!"

The voices began to stir in his processor once again, all talking over each other like before.

_What if I am stuck in here forever?_

_He would do it. Megatron would do it!_

_I will rot in here. Offline!_

_I need to get out! Escape!_

_I do not want to offline!_

_I do not want to be here!_

_Please..._

"Starscream!"

_Can't tell the truth_.

"I stole them, my Lord. T-to construct a-a weapon," stumbled Starscream.

Megatron expected that kind of answer, but it still hadn't meant that he was satisfied upon hearing it.

-0000-

"He's going insane," said Skywarp with a smile placed on his lips. Both he and Thundercracker had been looking at the screen feeding images from the brig. Starscream was kneeling on the ground, his back struts bent forward so his helm touched the floor, and both arms crossed and clutching his shaking shoulders.

"He hasn't been able to leave base in two lunar cycles. It's only understandable that he's reacting this way," replied Thundercracker as he removed his gaze from the screen only to look at the rest of the monitors that fed footage from within the base.

Skywarp remained looking at the screen. His elbow joints were set on console while his chin rested on his palm, and one finger playfully threatened to turn off the brig footage. "He deserves it for defying Lord Megatron."

Thundercracker looked back at the monitor. "Starscream has changed."

Skywarp looked startled, not by his reply but with his _tone_. He quickly turned to face the blue jet. "You care?" His faceplates displayed a look of worry, especially when his partner hadn't responded right away.

"No." Thundercracker looked away once again. "Not anymore," he whispered, barely audio.

Skywarp turned back to look at the monitor that held his Air Commander before he angrily shut it off.


	4. Release

Weeee quarter break! I'm going to try and write as much as I can before the next quarter starts. Here you go!

Betas: Akirisan X and Francesca Zatnik :D Thank you so much! Luv you girls!

klik: second, breem: minute, joor: hour, orn: day, decaorn: week, lunar cycle: month, vorn: year

* * *

Orns had passed while Starscream lay imprisoned in a cell. Forced refueling was the only way to get energon inside him, and the only thing that kept him alive. At times he would question Megatron's need to waste energon on him. Starscream's chassis kept refusing it, while most Cybertronians' thirst for energy would lead them to kill, or at times turn towards cannibalism; all for the sake of keeping themselves alive.

He performed confessions to a god he never believed in. The notion of Primus's existence always seemed like ignorance. Cybertronians just wanted to believe that there was some grand power looking after them, giving them a purpose in life. As a scientist, Starscream knew the truth behind the creation of the universe, and that there was no real meaning to life; you are alone wherever you go in life or death. Right now, however, he just wanted to pretend that someone could hear him.

Starscream sat in the center of his cell, arms hugging his knees and spoke, "I am sorry for everything that I have done. I am sorry for the way I have acted." He looked up at the surveillance camera, not knowing if anyone was watching, but knowing that it didn't record sound. "I hate this. I hate myself. I want to offline." He cast his gaze from the camera and buried his head in his arms, muffling his cries.

"If I could I would have made things differently. Maybe then I could have been happy, but right now I want to offline. No one will miss me, but I am scared. It only comes at times that I wish to deactivate. I do, but then I do not. I keep hoping that somehow, someway, things will get better. But they have only gotten worse. I still want to see what is out there. Maybe there is something meant for me. But I am scared that in a moment of weakness, I will take my own life. At times I was close, but I could not go through with it. I am too weak to even do that."

The cell's lights flickered off, leaving him in the darkness, alone with only his sobs.

-0000-

The day finally came when Starscream was released, broken in every way possible: mentally and physically. He didn't care about anything, not anymore. During his imprisonment, Megatron had relinquished him of dignity, and of rank -the only thing he had left. He really was nothing now.

His rank as Second in Command had been given to Soundwave and his position as Air Commander had been transferred to Thundercracker. Neither choice surprised him; Soundwave was the Communications Officer, the eyes and ears of the Decepticon forces. Thundercracker had been Starscream's mentor when he first joined the Decepticons, and was perhaps the only sensible one in the forces.

This orn, the elite trine had to practice combat maneuvers, now there was a new trineleader. Starscream should have felt joy for finally being able to stretch his wings and taste the sky, but everything was tainted with embarrassment and self-hate.

He didn't want to fly.

The elite trine soared over the clouds. Thundercracker had taken lead, Skywarp right, and Starscream took far left. This new position had felt strange and unwelcoming. Foreign.

The blue jet took no time in adjusting into his new position. Thundercracker was so precise with the formation, probably better than Starscream ever was.

Starscream eyed the ground below. He wanted to fall, crash and end; forget everything and everyone.

/Starscream, stay in position/ Came Thundercracker's voice through the comlink.

Starscream's attention snapped back to the sky and his trinemates. They shot through the sky, two jets turned sharply to the right, the silver and red jet had missed the cue, breaking the maneuver. training exercise was going to suck.

Starscream's performance was less than acceptable. He just couldn't read the other's movements. He was so used to _them_ following _his_ maneuvers. And being scolded every time his execution was off by either trinemate didn't help at all; he felt lubricant filling up in the back of his optics every time they yelled at him. Had he really become this pathetic? He just couldn't handle this no more. He wanted to disappear.

"What's your damage?" Yelled Warp once the touched down in biped mode. "Are you _pretending_ to suck, you slag, or are you really this useless?"

Starscream wasn't mad at Skywarp's outburst, instead he felt guilt. He used to yell at warp, call him obsolete and defective when he couldn't perform the maneuvers correctly back then. This was what it must have felt like for him: hurt, anger, humiliation? He couldn't answer Warp, or even meet his optics, instead he turned towards his new trineleader's disapproving expression. "I'm sorry." He saw Thundercracker give a low sigh after that.

Starscream began walking away, not even taken five steps when Skywarp began his "flirting" with his partner.

"C'mon," Skywarp pleaded in a whisper, a smirk playing on his lips as he slowly stroked the edge of his new Commander's wing.

Starscream couldn't make out what they were talking about, but he did make out the word "replace." Was Skywarp suggesting they replace him in the trine? Trines rarely separated; a trine bond binds them together. But their bond had long since been broken and was never attempted to be fixed. Most blame was placed on Starscream's part. He knew they didn't like him. They only reason they remained a trine after all these vorns was because Starscream actually made it an _order_ not to split up. Mainly because he didn't want to lose the only bots that were considered his "brothers".

Thundercracker, annoyed, had not given in to whatever the little prankster was asking of him. "No."

Skywarp puffed his cheek plates at Thundercracker before quickly glancing at Starscream before he teleported.

"Starscream."

Starscream turned, face and body displaying fatigue. Thundercracker was probably going to scold him about his shoddy performance.

"You're off." Came the straight reply.

"Excuse me?" Starscream seemed confused. Well, he was "off" in formation today. Or was he talking about his mental stability?

"You're not acting like yourself."

"How did I normally behave?" This was not about his performance, but rather his behavior?

Thundercracker thought for a moment; lost at words to describe the old Starscream."...Like a glitch." He didn't say it in a _negative_ way, –not really- he just couldn't come up with any other word. But, if one was to describe Starscream during the beginning of the war, it would be a glitch.

Starscream smiled at that. This was the first time he actually smiled in a long time. "But everyone hated me because I acted like that."

-0000-

"He may still be of use to the Decepticon forces," said the rough voice of the Decepticon leader.

"Delineate." Came the monotone voice of Soundwave.

"He was an exemplary tactician a well trained solder in the beginning of the war; willing to follow my every command without complaint." Megatron displayed an evil grin as he eyed Soundwave's visor. "If we can somehow revert him back to that stage, before he became such a defiant and useless mech..."

"Suggestion: reformatting tests performed by Shockwave."


	5. Jealousy

New chapter!

Thank you my betas! *hearts to Akirisan X and Francesca Zatnik*

* * *

Everyone envied Starscream during his time at Decepticon Military Academy. With his high scores in every class, record breaking speed, and his enthralling exterior, who wouldn't? Admiration wasn't a stranger to Starscream, he experienced the same spellbound fascination towards him during his studies at the Science Academy; or at least that was what he thought.

Starscream portrayed himself as the attractive genius everyone sought to become or have. But once mechs actually got to know him, they realized the real Starscream- a vainglorious fool. Friends, even acquaintances, were hard to come by; but how they had quickly left. Even the only mech he had considered his only true friend left him, unintentionally, but it did hurt. Loneliness was the Seeker's real friend; better to have nothing, that way nothing can hurt you. It was easier to pretend that everyone was intimidated by his superiority than have to face the fact that he was imperfect and disliked.

But he hated being the only individual in his universe.

He wanted a trine. It was something he always wanted but never thought he could accomplish. A trine would mean living, fighting, and dying together- he wouldn't feel alone.

He was lucky to find Thundercracker and Skywarp. They accepted him, loved him- and he in return. A trine needed to be balanced: skills and personalities. Starscream was ambitious, strategic and speed was his element. Thundercracker was calm, collective, smart, and strong. Skywarp was the carefree one, who at times –most of the time- acted like a pain in the afterburners, but his warping ability and skill with weaponries were unique.

Thundercracker took the role as the older sibling, always protecting them on the battle field, sometimes even overlooking his own safety. Skywarp acted like the little brother you never wanted but somehow got stuck with. He was always playing inane pranks and getting himself into trouble because of them.

And Starscream was always competing for both his trinemates attentions.

They were a good match; they got on each other's nerves a lot, but were effective on the battlefield.

But things changed; they changed.

Skywarp had been infatuated with Starscream. Always stupidly showing how much he cared and loved his wingmate. But all Starscream did was bask from the attention and affection given to him, but never returned the feelings. He thought the one-sided romance would never end, but it ended up crumpling badly. They argued, which often times switched between verbal fighting and physical entanglements. Thundercracker would often times attempt to dissolve their fights, but instead would end up unwillingly taking part in it. Hatred fumed anything the trine may have felt towards each other; they couldn't stand each other. Eventually, following Starscream's new titles of Air Commander and SIC, he moved out of their shared quarters. Their trine-bond only died out from there.

When Starscream became Second in Command, his ego bloated beyond the capacity of this processor. That ego got in the way of everything- his relationship with his trinemates and even his plans to overtake Megatron's position as Leader of the Decepticons. Then when he began being abused by Megatron, he needed to release the hatred he felt from the beatings and the violations.

And the ones that received his absolution were his trinemates.

Starscream never asked them to forgive him, nor had he ever apologized.

Now he wished he hadn't taken it out on them- blamed them, hurt them.

Because they were all he had.

-0000-

Thundercracker and Skywarp were in their shared quarters, each on their own berths. Thundercracker was relaxed while scanning through his datapad and Skywarp was bored out of his processor lying on his back counting the scuff marks on the ceiling.

Not interested in allowing the boredom linger and longer, the devious Seeker rose from his position, walked towards the other berth and casually seated himself in front of his partner.

"Haven't done it in a while," said Skywarp in a seductive tone, moving up to straddle the long blue legs.

"Not in the mood," Thundercracker flatly replied without peering away from the datapad. He thought his trinemate understood the meaning of that answer; instead the dark Seeker pulled the datapad away from the grasp and inched closer to the irritated face.

"C'mon. It'll feel good." The silky voice purred. Probing finger roamed over the tips of the blue wings.

The wings twitched away. "Why don't you get another 'Con to frag you," replied Thundercracker, clearly not amused nor interested. "Nothing stopped you before."

Taken aback from that answer, and by that response to his touches, he leaned back with a scowl. After some quick considering, it switched to an amused smile. "You jealous?"

"Of what?" questioned the elder Seeker. "You've become a pleasure drone within the _Nemesis_. That's what everyone sees you as- a whore, even though I told you many times not to degrade yourself like that." Thundercracker detested the fact that he had a dysfunctional trine: the idiotic pranks and harlot behavior Skywarp displayed and with Starscream it was...everything. He himself wasn't perfect, but he performed his duties and never displayed his flaws publicly. He had to fix this trine, even if he was the only one who cared.

Skywarp was taken aback by Thundercracker's response. He didn't know what to do or say. All he knew was that he was fighting to keep his rage inside; whether it was hearing the truth that threatened to set him off, or who he was hearing it from, he didn't know.

Thundercracker had become disconcerted with how motionless Skywarp had become. It wasn't like the erratic Seeker to be this still for too long. The teleporter's porcelain faceplate was raw with hurt and confusion. "Get off," Thundercracker softly spoke.

Skywarp reluctantly removed himself from Thundercracker and headed towards the door. "Fine. I'll go find someone else," he replied without looking back. He was losing his partner, the only one he considered his trinemate. The one he held strange, but not unfamiliar feelings towards; more than any friendship, but it felt like even that was in jeopardy.

-0000-

Starscream was seated in one of the empty rooms on the upper levels. 'Cons would usually come here to train or settle angry disputes, but at that moment, it was empty. Everyone was enjoying the success of the recent mission by getting overcharged off energon in the rec room. Starscream... was hiding - from everyone, especially Megatron. He didn't want to partake in the winnings, or felt he deserved to. He needed to be alone.

The door sounded open and Starscream saw Thundercracker approaching. His solitary haven had been invaded. Starscream knew the blue jet wasn't much into large crowds, especially around overcharged mechs.

But why had he come here? There were plenty of empty rooms, or did he seek me out? thought Starscream. Slight fear clouded his processor. Was he here to scowl at me? But for what? Starscream, was sure that he had not done anything wrong; he was not even involved in the mission.

Thundercracker kept his sights away from Starscream as he approached. He was thinking about what he wanted to say, or why he was even really here. Uncomfortable silence lingered within the room, even as the new Air Commander sat next to former.

This was highly awkward for both of them. Starscream contemplated jolting towards the door, if just to end this uncomfortable feeling. But he had to stop running from his problems, he needed to resolve them, or at least try to. And the first thing on the list was his trine; maybe that was why Thundercracker was here too?

The red and sliver Seeker broke the silence. "You are doing well," he instantly looked down at his hands on his lap, already regretted speaking, but found himself continuing. "As Air Commander, successful air raid today." Why was talking to him so hard?

"Do you miss it?" asked Thundercracker, keeping his gaze straight ahead, never once turning to look at his trinemate.

"What?" He turned his helm towards Thundercracker. That was a strange question, thought Starscream. This whole thing was a strange situation. Starscream hated this. He should have bolted towards the door. No. Stop trying to run away, he told himself. But the question wasn't straightforward. Miss what exactly?

Thundercracker thought for a moment, trying to clarify the question. "Everything?" Well, hopefully that helped.

Somehow, that _had_ simplified the previously asked question. "...Yes." More than anything, because now he had nothing. He had lost his title as Second in Command, Air Commander, and the trust of his trinemates. Not to mention is state of mind...

It was...strange. Thundercracker and he were having a conversation. It has been so long since they _really_ talked, without it being an argument.

Thundercracker couldn't take this embarrassingly dreadful situation for too long. It was...highly awkward, but necessary. "I know I should have done something all these vorns, but I didn't," blurted Thundercracker. Well, something said. Why not go for the rest? What did he have to lose? "I let the trine's bond progress into nothing, refusing to stop it. I inadvertently let myself sink deeper into something I didn't want; hoping our issues would resolve themselves. So I decided not to care, thinking it was hopeless."...Like this war. He searched for the flaws in his life, it coming down to two things: his involvement in this war and his dysfunctional trine. He turned to look at Starscream. " I'm going to try to change things, fix this trine, so that we may survive this war as brothers. And so you can be yourself again, the way you were before Megatron's abuse made you change and lash out on us. I know it wasn't your fault and I didn't realize it...or care once I knew." Thundercracker looked away from Starscream to stare at the wall ahead of him. He had been struggling against the sea of guilt he had for the trine. But his reasons were selfish; he had evolved from the caring protector of his trine to somebody who was tentative towards them. He just wanted a reason to keep remaining functional, and the only reason he could find was his trine. "I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

This wasn't like Thundercracker to just say these things. Or talk that much. He preferred to keep all his thoughts inside. Maybe the stress has gotten to him? He must feel uneasy controlling the entire aerial forces on Earth. Thundercracker hadn't even enjoyed training Starscream and Skywarp back on Cybertron, mostly because they were both royal pains in the afterburners: Starscream always trying to outsmart him and Skywarp running around with his head in the clouds. He barely handled two, but now the whole flying army?

Starscream didn't believe he was here to fix the trine. Not after so many vorns. "Are you...are just jealous that you are not the only one moping around... " He realized what he was saying and turned away from his trinemate's stunned face. "Oh, I- forgive me." That was really stupid.

"It's ...alright," There wasn't a shortage of awkwardness here.

Starscream looked down at his lap again, mentally kicking himself for saying something so idiotic and for not running towards the door when he had the chance.

Thundercracker could see the self-loathing coming from his comrade; he needed to cheer him up. Frag he was really bad at that. "When I met you back on Cybertron, I commented that your choice of color scheme wasn't best for the battlefield because it makes you an obvious target. Then you perked your wings the highest they could go and said to me 'glitch, I'm fabulous. No need to change perfection's color scheme.' " The blue Seeker couldn't help but smile at the reminiscence.

Starscream looked up."Was I?"

"Fabulous?" Thundercracker let out a small chuckle. "Yeah, you were."

Starscream smiled, and then looked away. This was ...nice, but still confusing. "Why are you trying to fix the trine? Nothing can help us resolve our issues now. Besides, both of you hate me."

"...I...did. But I never really did." Both were confused at that response. "Look, yes, it might be a little late, but we can still try to reestablish the trine-bond. We'll be able to coordinate and anticipate each other's thoughts and actions in battle, again making our chances of survival greater." It would also give him a reason to continue fighting and help Starscream alternate from his depressed self. But having Starscream and Skywarp repair their relationship was going to be problematic.

"...okay," he answered.

"Will you try to be the way you once were? The _real_ you. Enough of this emotional melodrama." Thundercracker needed to see some sort of progress and he wasn't to leave until he received some.

"Why do you care?" Starscream's optics drifted on the floor, still in disbelief.

"You're my trinemate." There shouldn't be any other reason but that. Thundercracker needed the trine to live, to survive. It came late, but he saw that nothing else mattered, only those you would consider family. He shouldn't have let them drift this far. "Besides, it's an order," he replied with a faint smile.

"Yes sir, I will try." Starscream kept his optics downward, despondency cursing his face.

"Good." It'll be easier to fix things with Starscream. They were on a healing path already. Skywarp however, is a whole different thing. His hatred for Starscream is only matched by that of the Autobots. There was little he could do there. Both his trinemates would have to solve their issues by themselves, for the most part. His attention was brought back when he swore he heard Starscream say something but was too lost in thought to have caught it. "What?"

"...I hear voices... in my head," muttered Starscream, almost inaudibly.

"I really didn't need to hear that." Just when the situation couldn't get anymore uncomfortable. Why did he have to get the weird trinemates?

"...Sorry," muttered Starscream with an indistinct smile. Thundercracker was actually going to give him a chance. In return, he should do his best to fix his trine and himself as well. Nothing bad can come from it, since it already had."I forgive you... And I am sorry also... about the trine." His voice crumbled as he spoke, droplets from lubricant fell from his cheeks.

Starscream leaned his helm against Thundercracker's shoulder. The Air Commander went stiff at the contact before he forcefully tried to relax. He was still getting used to the idea of getting close to Starscream again; so many years of anger and neglect towards each other was hard to forgive in a small amount of time. But this was a start. No matter how awkwardly the healing process would progress.

-0000-

It didn't make sense. Thundercracker disliked Starscream; both Skywarp and Thundercracker hated everything about him, so how did this happen? Why when Skywarp looked into the monitors did he see Thundercracker and Starscream together? Why were they talking... and touching? What did they say? Skywarp needed to know. He already lost Starscream, he didn't want to lose Thundercracker too.

He walked along the corridors of the _Nemesis _hoping to stumble upon trinemate. Each footstep echoed worry and anger. He feared rejection. He only ever liked one other mech, and that had ended horribly. It felt like his spark ached each time his feelings weren't returned. He had been played for his affection, and he never wanted to go through that again.

Finally, he spotted his target entering the hangar. Skywarp bolted towards him. He knew what he wanted was foolish, unnecessary, and a liability for a warrior to have during war. But still, he wanted it. _Needed_ it. He had to quiet the painful throbs his spark had been emanating for vorns. He wanted Thundercracker.

A desperation to know the truth drove Skywarp to grab Thundercracker's arm and pressed it close to his cockpit. "I saw you two talking..." He stared into his partner's optics; those optics that he wished _only_ looked at him. "Do you like him ...more than me?" He squeezed the arm tighter, he was frightened to learn the answer and couldn't hold his gaze. He looked down to avoid Thundercracker's optics, just in case the reply made his optics water. He didn't want to appear weak; he shouldn't leak optical lubricant, not over this. No matter how much it would hurt.

Thundercracker looked at Skywarp's bowed helm. He hadn't said anything. What could he have said? The Seeker had a stubborn hatred for Starscream. Thundercracker was trying to repair this trine, but here Skywarp was upset that he was even _talking_ to Starscream."I'm trying to make us a trine again."

"I don't want him," muttered Skywarp.

"He is our trinema-"

"I don't want him!" yelled Skywarp. He didn't have any desire to have Starscream a part of his life again. He was hurt too many times by that sparkles glitch.

Thundercracker pulled his arm away roughly, breaking the grasp the other had on him.

Skywarp received his answer; it was nothing but a wordless stab to his spark. His feelings would never be returned. Their relationship had been faltering for vorns, but Thundercracker was willing to bring Starscream back? Save this trine? There was no trine left. Skywarp lifted his helm, optics leaking lubricant, and punched his trinemate in the faceplate before teleporting away.

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Reviews are welcomed!


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